Description
The sky was a grayish blue as I at there in the grass, looking straight ahead. There was a little bracelet with a cat on it, a wind-up yellow chick, three empty beer cans, a statue of a black lab and a Monster Energy cap. I picked up the red party cup in front of me and slowly poured water from my water bottle into it, then dropped a ping pong ball into the cup. I set it down in between the flowers and the stone with the empty beer cans and took a long deep breath. A tear fell down my cheek as I looked up to the sky.
An elderly man caught my eye as I glanced over to my left. I watched as he gently rubbed his hand across a gravestone that read "Coco." He quietly stood there and then closed his eyes for about a minute- praying. I patiently sat there, waiting for him to finish his prayer. He began to open his eyes and I immediately turned back to Alex's stone, hoping the man didn't catch me watching him. I kept my eyes steady, reading Alex's stone over and over again but still aware of where it was the man was walking to. About ten feet away from me he sat, very still on a granite bench.
As I sat there, gathering up my emotions and wiping my eyes, I felt a strong urge to go and sit by the man. I picked up my keys and my cell phone and walked right over to him.
"Was that your boyfriend or brother?" He asked as I approached him.
"It was actually a good friend of mine," I answered back as I sat down on the bench.
"Ah, I say a prayer by his grave once and a while.. I'm here everyday for about forty five minutes to an hour, visiting my sweetheart."
I didn't have to guess that the stone he was at a few minutes prior was his deceased wife.
Sam Coco went on to tell me about how his wife died and what a wonderful life they had. I watched a tear run down his cheek as he told me what watching her take her last breaths was like. The 86 year old man sat beside me, in dark green khakis with a dark blue sweater on. He held is hands together, his wedding band still on his ring finger.
He went on and on for about an hour about his life, pausing here and there for me to respond. As we sat there talking, the sun slowly started to peek through the clouds and shined down right over the cemetery.
Lots of nice stuff here, somewhat clogged by overwriting. Last sentence is very much the way to close a vignette like this. The description of the grave details in graf 1 is also very good, and it's a wise decision to let the reader figure out or not the significance of those artifacts.
ReplyDeleteHere's what I mean by overwriting. Let me give the last two grafs a quick trim as an example of what in your writing you need to be doing for yourself:
Here's what you have:
"Sam Coco went on to tell me about how his wife died and what a wonderful life they had. I watched a tear run down his cheek as he told me what watching her take her last breaths was like. The 86 year old man sat beside me, in dark green khakis with a dark blue sweater on. He held is hands together, his wedding band still on his ring finger.
He went on and on for about an hour about his life, pausing here and there for me to respond. As we sat there talking, the sun slowly started to peek through the clouds and shined down right over the cemetery."
Here's a tidier version:
Sam Coco told me how his wife died and what a wonderful life they had. He told me what watching her take her last breaths was like. The 86 year old man sat beside me, in dark green khakis with a dark blue sweater on. He held is hands together, his wedding band still on his ring finger.
As we sat there talking, the sun slowly started to peek through the clouds and shined down right over the cemetery.
Every word there is yours except "told" and in the order you wrote them--but I think my version cuts deeper.